I was 60 feet off the air, only attached to a hundred thin strings that were then attached to a parachute. My instructor yelled through the walkie-talkie, "Calm down! You have GOT to relax your arms!" Here's the thing with feeling nervous and anxious, having someone demand that you calm down doesn't really work. He was upset in my previous landing. Letting my fear of heights get the best of me, I hadn't quite relaxed my arms enough, which in turn, actually pulled the brakes, and my parachute came down. That was when I was only a few feet from the ground. The consequences were a bit more severe this time around. Thankfully, mind-over-matter won. I calmed down enough to relax my arms and have a smooth sailing ride.
That afternoon the email came: the invitation to interview at my #1 choice of occupational therapy school. I was elated for about 3 minutes. And then I was terrified. The next week was a hustle n' bustle to get ready.
The night before my flight, everything caught up to me. I was a hot mess. I felt extremely inadequate and unprepared. I lacked confidence in my interviewing skills, especially since I felt like I had recently failed my Teach for America interview (although...I later found out that I actually passed). My whole college experience ran through my mind:
*Even as a freshmen, I hardly went out on the weekends. Everyone would come back from their dates and I would be in the lobby using the whiteboard to practice drawing the processes of metabolism down to the chemical level.
*Walking to my anatomy lab at 7 am in the winter tundra, negative 10 degrees and still dark.
*The significance I felt when I stood in the secretary's office and signed my contract, accepting my offer into the dietetics program- something I knew would be one of the hardest majors for me at BYU, but also knowing that by pushing me farther, I would end up farther.
*Driving to American Fork every day to get my OT hours in.
*Waking up at 5:30am to go to my job that I did.not.like.
*Working 19 hour days at a different job that practically killed me.
*Spending one or two weekend nights in the library every single week.
*Getting diagnosed with mono on the first day of my program, and not missing a single class period because of it.
*The agony and struggle I felt as I tried to write my personal statement...over and over. And then starting over and over.
*Squeezing classes in nearly every term since Summer 2010.
* Enduring weeks like this: 8 projects due, a 90 minute clinical lecture to give- and enduring public speaking, 10 page paper due, computer crashes so I have to start over, coughing so much I was throwing up, family problems, roommate problems, boy problems, me problems, fulfilling program director duties, running leadership meeting for the PTOT club when everyone else was struggling to focus and follow through with assignments, heading a club meeting the next day, etc. At the end of my week from hell, I had little sleep, little strength, and little stamina. But I felt accomplished, especially since I was the only one in my class who managed to finish everything.
Anyway- those memories were coming back. Because I sacrificed a lot to get to this interview. Midwestern University is a highly ranked OT school and my chances of getting accepted were slim (they accept 30 students out of 900 applicants, cool). I felt the pressure of everything I had worked for in the last 4 years coming down on me. I wasn't ready for it.
The next day, I felt a little more peaceful. I took the FrontRunner to the airport. I was on the train with several missionaries leaving the MTC. I chuckled at their conversations. One hadn't been on an airplane before, and he was preparing for a 14 hour flight to Taiwan. Good luck, sir. I marveled at the work of the Lord- he chooses these kids right out of high school with little to no life experience, and puts them in a position to do the greatest work of mankind. Joseph Smith. Moses. The list goes on. Me. Not that I was about to do a great work, but with His help, I could do more than what logic tells me I can do.
I ruv you!
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